Welcome to the Jungle, or the One about Feis Kontrol

Dyagilev? Dyaga-dead. September 13 saw the opening of another elitny megaclub contender, "Versus." According to its press release, the name means "against" in Latin, but all of Moscow is very "for" this club. It allegedly has 1,500 person capacity, Venetian-themed go-go girls, two dance floors and a pool which they threaten to fill with sharks and champagne. (While this seems like a joke, it most likely is not. I will alert animal control.)

Versus doesn't want your money. Versus wants to lick your salty tears.

All of this is unsubstantiated, however, because all the people I know were turned away from the opening. Moreover, in the twenty minutes they were out there, crying, they didn't see anyone let in either. Spotlights, cue-ball headed bouncers, fanfare, but no entry. An interesting move, Versus. Most clubs will sadistically extend to you the option of sacrificing half your crew, the ugly ones, to get inside. Which you, of course, gladly accept. What can I say? In the words of Guns and Roses, ya learn to live like an animal in the jungle where we play.

This is for the rest of the world, which is used to getting into places without human debasement: In Moscow you can be arbitrarily denied entrance to everything — clubs, Kofe Haus, libraries, whatever. I was once notably feis-kontrolled from an elevator, and no amount of lies and chicanery would get me to the 33rd floor. All this functions to make you want what's inside real bad, even when you know it's just going to be a lot of this:

Wax replica of Sergei Zverev.

She looks like the inspiration for my former musical project, I Hate Your Corny, Endomorphic Girlfriend.

Caligulan dwarf "Andreas" of Rai.

Ha! He got in, not you. Might as well go hang yourself in the bathroom.

Which reminds me. Special for MDBIT readers: There's a hot new club opening up in the underpass by Aeroport metro. It's called Kiosk. Password is "Jaguar," but rumor is no one gets in. Keep this on the down low though, they don't have their liquor license yet.


Versus, 15A Oruzheiny Per., Metro: Mayakovskaya , Tel. 225-1913
Kiosk, 59 Leningradsky Prospect, Metro: Aeroport

Photos: adensya.ru, www.happyland-drink.ru