moscow doesn't believe in tears: 2007-11-18

Extensive coverage by The Guardian, Gridskipper, Usemycomputer.com, Brentschulkin.com, The eXile and other online and print publications has helped Moscow Doesn’t Believe in Tears achieve massive popularity in only a few months. Our stat counter shows hundreds of visitors checking in daily everywhere from Davis, California to the United Arab Emirates. World, what’s clear is that you’re hooked on Moscow nightlife. And we’re going to go out on a limb and say that rather than just reading about the city’s exclusive clubs, endless vodka rivers and minigarchs with personal monasteries, you’re tempted to buy a ticket and live it. By all means, “Gopher it!” Don’t just be a voyeur. LIVE COURAGEOUSLY. Every other weekend of the year can be spent in tofu, beige, tapioca Davis -- give one to Moscow!

But, don’t be a fool. Hell is a very scary place, especially at night. Try it alone, and you will end up in a ditch in Butovo, ruined by bathtub vodka and venereal disease. It is integral to your health and nightlife success that you take an experienced sherpa, which is why we designed this special program for all the friends we have not even met yet.

Our jet-set Moscow Believes in Tours package is custom-tailored to the Client's needs.

NECESSARILY INCLUDES

Pre-trip Skype briefing session to identify the Client’s specific preferences. Think of it as the part in Total Recall when they choose the components of the memory that will be planted in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s brain. Cab or metro? Elitny or expat sports bars (popular option)? Straight or gay? Entirely up to you.
Dinner and drinks at some of the hottest Moscow nightlife spots. We’ll be honest: entry into the absolute top tier clubs is never a guarantee, due to the unpredictable, draconic practice of “face control,” which is often one of the hardest things for the visitor to wrap his head around. However, good-looking, smooth-talking and connected folk that we are, your chances are certainly increased with MDBIT. What IS guaranteed is unforgettable, vodka-saturated memories at places that you, as a visitor, won’t be able to tell aren’t the best.
Sparkling conversation. MDBIT has a degree in Phenomenology and strong, half-formed opinions on a range of topics after only one Long Island Iced Tea. Katie has a degree in Public Relations and an accent from the British Commonwealth that many people find ATTRACTIVE.
Wingman/translation assistance to facilitate romantic success. Moscow is home to legendarily beautiful women who really open up after a few drinks. Not all of them are prostitutes! A few years ago just speaking English sealed the deal, but NO LONGER. We’ll gladly explain to anyone that you’re the son of a wealthy Chilean diplomat looking for a serious girlfriend.
Protection from the unsavory elements of Moscow nightlife. Any number of things can ruin a night on the town: unreasonable bouncers, lost coat check tag, aggressive prostitutes, etc. MDBIT is there smooth over life’s little inconveniences.

CAN INCLUDE

Pick-up at the airport
Excursions to the ballet, museums, Red Square, souvenir markets and other cultural shit
Holding your passport when you get too drunk

Prices are negotiable and depend entirely on the amount of personal attention needed, but expect around $300 Agent Provocateur e-bucks per weekend, prepaid. Note: The fee does NOT include visa, airfare, cabs, meals, drinks, souvenirs, bribes, prostitutes or any other expense/service than the knowledgeable consulting and nightlife accompaniment of MDBIT. As promised before, an additional fee of 3 (three) Long Island Iced Teas can sometimes buy a spot on Katie’s foldout couch. Availability is entirely subject to MDBIT’s caprice and whether Mr. MDBIT is on a business trip.

THIS IS NOT A SCAM!

Our Moscow Believes in Tours program has already been up and running in beta mode for close to two years, with many satisfied customers. One of these is Scott, 26, a consultant for Qatar Airways, whose first time in Moscow was a success thanks to our services. Read his testimonial:

MDBIT met me at the Sheraton Palace, drained the minibar, picked out a dress shirt for me to wear, expertly hailed a cab with Moscow-style casual low hand extension (rather than up in the air as prevails in the Western world – brilliant!), negotiated a reasonable fare and got us to this restaurant Bon, where she’d made reservations. Let me tell you, the atmosphere was unreal. There were supermodels everywhere and skulls wearing jewelry and not a bottle of wine under $120. Food tasted like shit, but it was worth it! Then we crossed the river to Rai for the quintessential Moscow experience of being “face controlled.” And she was right: when we strolled up, a fat, pockmarked dwarf told us there was a “private party.” Love it! So we moved on to a warehouse club called 1171, and spent the next few hours getting wasted on Long Island Iced Teas and making fun of people on the dance floor. Finally, she took us to a chill neighborhood bar Help, ordered beers the sizes of our heads and, when it was time to go, helpfully gestured in the general direction of our hotel before lurching away to flag her own cab. Thanks for showing us around town in Moscow! Let me know when you make it here to Doha!

His AP e-vouchers went to these Fantasia control briefs with suspender clips.

Book your Moscow Believes in Tours trip IMMEDIATELY ensure a spot this hot clubbing season. Our calendar is rapidly filling with tourists who are leaving boring 9-to-5 behind and saying DA! to life.

Next up this month Michael, a San Francisco investment banker who takes leisure very seriously. Having read MDBIT religiously since its inception, he’s finally taking the plunge. The only thing he’s worried about is whether he’ll be able to maintain his carefully cultivated tan in gray Moscow. The answer is YES. Because Michael told us in advance, we were able to book him appointments at Mesto Pod Solntsem, a VIP solarium in central Moscow.

We’ve already directed his prepaid e-vouchers towards this flattering halter neck swimsuit.

Michael is living courageously. ARE YOU?

UPDATE: SPECIAL WINTER HOLIDAYS DISCOUNT. I WILL NOW BE LEADING TOURS FOR RAIN BOOTS, WHICH AREN'T THAT EXPENSIVE. I WILL ALSO ACCEPT THEM AS FAN GIFTS. ANY OF THESE FROM CHOOKA WILL DO ALTHOUGH THE ONES BELOW ARE PRETTY COOL. I AM SIZE 39.

Moscow nightlife is many things — namely an expensive, decadent, exciting, confusing, unappetizing accelerant of spiritual decline — but, until recently, cool wasn’t one of them. Then all of a sudden everyone developed a sense of ironic distance. Gone is the conspicuous consumption. Gone are the spotlights and the fanfare. The underground elite's favorite clubs are password-encrypted and behind unmarked doors. The newest of this breed is Justo Banya Dush, housed in a converted sauna in the vicinity of Red Square. Which door? Well if you don't know already I'm not going to tell you.

That sign would be a lot more helpful if it was on the outside.

But if you do find it, and can convince the doormen you’re close with Dima Nowslurhisnameov (works like a charm), you’ll enter a true hipster Utopia. In addition to looking really neat and nudge-nudge ironic, its vibe is totally chill. No sloppy drunk people, no ridiculous posturing by your corny endomorphic girlfriend, just a lot of cool cats posted up in the corner with hoodies.

$10 beers seem a little out of place for heaven, but what can you do? Moreover, despite that whole face control business, JBD has serious aspirations to egalitarianism. Which means letting (1) celebs rub elbows with the (2) really rather thick and ordinary, yet well-connected, upper-middle class.

(1) Timati, a.k.a "the Black Star"

(2) Justo-nother yuppie in crowd.

JBD — a club for social climbers of all ages and creeds, a place where grandfathers can take their granddaughters. No one is judging, man.

But there is trouble in paradise. DA (nee Doroshchenko, Anatoly) works for illustrious club photography site Geometria.ru. For him, if there's one problem with JBD, it's that there's no carnival trash eye candy milling around like at Dyagliev or Rai. He wants to take photographs of things that look visually interesting, not self-congratulatory hipsters who transcended the fray.