Friday, January 25, 2008

Your Sex Is No Good Here

As I reported before, Moscow takes its leisure very seriously, and its annual Nightlife Awards is about as important as the Oscars. At this venerable ceremony, it was officially decided that no one can manufacture the oontz oontz better than DJ Smash.

There’s no love lost between me and shitty techno. Nonetheless, DJ Smash smashed into my heart like the fist of an angry god. Because he knows how to pick a theme that’s dear to the hearts of Moscow clubbers, condense it into a phrase and then loop it endlessly. It’s a formula for success I've even copied. When Lochamer and I briefly DJ’ed as I Hate Your Endomorphic Girlfriend, it was just that over and over.

DJ Smash's first hit was “Pasha Face Control,” after the legendarily dick door control guy at Leto. Have a listen. He concisely sums up the capital’s club entry policy: “Sex Nye Predlagat” (Don’t Offer Sex.) Ditto for tears, ‘cuz Moscow doesn’t believe in them.

His new joint is called “Moscow Never Sleeps,” and it’s pretty much just those words sung like a Soviet anthem, which works like a charm for rousing city pride. It even inspired two kids to shoot a video about how much they like Moscow. Look for one flashing the killer M around 2:35, then go home and practice.

I love this silly clip because it recreates the thrill of zipping suicidally around Moscow by gypsy cab at night. The only thing that’s missing is the hand creeping up your thigh, even though you’ve told the driver repeatedly you’re a pregnant leper nun whose husband is waiting at home with a shotgun.


Sunday, January 20, 2008

Bros Hug

My homos are always complaining that being in Moscow messes up their gaydar, because you’ll have guys, like pop star Mitya Fomin, Zhanna Friske's ex, who seem gayer than a handbag full of rainbows.

Because they wear see-through windbreakers and enjoy the company of transvestite performers.

And non-repentantly worship Dolce & Gabbanna.

And laugh really gay.

And have the kind of friends that wear lavender turtlenecks.

And lovingly embrace these friends in public.

But, after all this, they still have a retardedly hot girlfriend and are for other intents and purposes, not gay. So it’s confusing.