Suck an Egg! MDBIT in MT

Some at the Moscow Times are, like me, fascinated by the dizzying highs of Moscow at play. The holiday season brings in a special wave of short bus-riding elitny ridiculousness: corporate parties. Since it's already mid-December, people have left for the holidays and no one is paying attention to what's going in the paper anyway, I was able to make my debut as an authoritative nightlife anthropologist correspondent.

Na, kartoshka:

"Companies skimp on health benefits, toilet paper and coffee creamer for an entire year for the ultimate holiday blow-out," nightlife blogger Moscow Doesn't Believe in Tears, or MDBIT, said in an e-mail interview. She declined to give her real name because she said a corporation owns her and could easily withhold her lunchtime blogging privileges.

Companies are also willing to pay top dollar to bring a famous face to a party. "They don't do much more besides smile confusedly and pose for photo ops," the nightlife blogger, MDBIT, said in e-mailed comments.

"Remember Gwyneth Paltrow? Academy Award-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow? Martini paid to have her in a cage at one of its parties" MDBIT wrote. "If Moscow history has taught us anything, it's that anyone can be bought."

"The presence of a celebrity validates the affair under the principle that if you throw enough money at something, it becomes truth," MDBIT wrote. "Also, it's a middle finger to the rest of civilization: 'We OWN you, bitches!'"

For the record, it was a Facebook, not email, interview, but the AP style guide doesn’t yet accommodate that medium.

The big news of this season is that Oleg Deripaska rented Rihanna for a Russian Aluminum party, and invited fellow brazillionaire Roman Abramovich. Actually, Tvoi Den put it better: “Deripaska Gives Black Woman as Present to Abramovich for $500,000.” Ah, oligarch love.

All for you, Roma: Rihanna performs at Club XIII

Back on earth, corporate parties are less about human trafficking, more about scamming halyava (free shit), especially alcohol. I am told it is the case with corporate parties the world over, but for reals, everyone at my corporate party was dry-hump-the-secretary, put-on-an-afro-and-pull-a-nylon-over-your-head-“Look-I’m-black”-dance drunk.

Here are some poor Russian’s corporate party photos, because I didn't take any of my own. But it looked pretty much the same, down to Igor filming it all for Monday morning retribution.

Photos: Tden.ru, picasaweb.google.com/Filimonenkow

Moscow Believes in Tours

Extensive coverage by The Guardian, Gridskipper, Usemycomputer.com, Brentschulkin.com, The eXile and other online and print publications has helped Moscow Doesn’t Believe in Tears achieve massive popularity in only a few months. Our stat counter shows hundreds of visitors checking in daily everywhere from Davis, California to the United Arab Emirates. World, what’s clear is that you’re hooked on Moscow nightlife. And we’re going to go out on a limb and say that rather than just reading about the city’s exclusive clubs, endless vodka rivers and minigarchs with personal monasteries, you’re tempted to buy a ticket and live it. By all means, “Gopher it!” Don’t just be a voyeur. LIVE COURAGEOUSLY. Every other weekend of the year can be spent in tofu, beige, tapioca Davis -- give one to Moscow!

But, don’t be a fool. Hell is a very scary place, especially at night. Try it alone, and you will end up in a ditch in Butovo, ruined by bathtub vodka and venereal disease. It is integral to your health and nightlife success that you take an experienced sherpa, which is why we designed this special program for all the friends we have not even met yet.

Our jet-set Moscow Believes in Tours package is custom-tailored to the Client's needs.

NECESSARILY INCLUDES

• Pre-trip Skype briefing session to identify the Client’s specific preferences. Think of it as the part in Total Recall when they choose the components of the memory that will be planted in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s brain. Cab or metro? Elitny or expat sports bars (popular option)? Straight or gay? Entirely up to you.
• Dinner and drinks at some of the hottest Moscow nightlife spots. We’ll be honest: entry into the absolute top tier clubs is never a guarantee, due to the unpredictable, draconic practice of “face control,” which is often one of the hardest things for the visitor to wrap his head around. However, good-looking, smooth-talking and connected folk that we are, your chances are certainly increased with MDBIT. What IS guaranteed is unforgettable, vodka-saturated memories at places that you, as a visitor, won’t be able to tell aren’t the best.
• Sparkling conversation. MDBIT has a degree in Phenomenology and strong, half-formed opinions on a range of topics after only one Long Island Iced Tea. Katie has a degree in Public Relations and an accent from the British Commonwealth that many people find ATTRACTIVE.
• Wingman/translation assistance to facilitate romantic success. Moscow is home to legendarily beautiful women who really open up after a few drinks. Not all of them are prostitutes! A few years ago just speaking English sealed the deal, but NO LONGER. We’ll gladly explain to anyone that you’re the son of a wealthy Chilean diplomat looking for a serious girlfriend.
• Protection from the unsavory elements of Moscow nightlife. Any number of things can ruin a night on the town: unreasonable bouncers, lost coat check tag, aggressive prostitutes, etc. MDBIT is there smooth over life’s little inconveniences.

CAN INCLUDE

• Pick-up at the airport
• Excursions to the ballet, museums, Red Square, souvenir markets and other cultural shit
• Holding your passport when you get too drunk

Prices are negotiable and depend entirely on the amount of personal attention needed, but expect around $300 Agent Provocateur e-bucks per weekend, prepaid. Note: The fee does NOT include visa, airfare, cabs, meals, drinks, souvenirs, bribes, prostitutes or any other expense/service than the knowledgeable consulting and nightlife accompaniment of MDBIT. As promised before, an additional fee of 3 (three) Long Island Iced Teas can sometimes buy a spot on Katie’s foldout couch. Availability is entirely subject to MDBIT’s caprice and whether Mr. MDBIT is on a business trip.

THIS IS NOT A SCAM!

Our Moscow Believes in Tours program has already been up and running in beta mode for close to two years, with many satisfied customers. One of these is Scott, 26, a consultant for Qatar Airways, whose first time in Moscow was a success thanks to our services. Read his testimonial:

MDBIT met me at the Sheraton Palace, drained the minibar, picked out a dress shirt for me to wear, expertly hailed a cab with Moscow-style casual low hand extension (rather than up in the air as prevails in the Western world – brilliant!), negotiated a reasonable fare and got us to this restaurant Bon, where she’d made reservations. Let me tell you, the atmosphere was unreal. There were supermodels everywhere and skulls wearing jewelry and not a bottle of wine under $120. Food tasted like shit, but it was worth it! Then we crossed the river to Rai for the quintessential Moscow experience of being “face controlled.” And she was right: when we strolled up, a fat, pockmarked dwarf told us there was a “private party.” Love it! So we moved on to a warehouse club called 1171, and spent the next few hours getting wasted on Long Island Iced Teas and making fun of people on the dance floor. Finally, she took us to a chill neighborhood bar Help, ordered beers the sizes of our heads and, when it was time to go, helpfully gestured in the general direction of our hotel before lurching away to flag her own cab. Thanks for showing us around town in Moscow! Let me know when you make it here to Doha!

His AP e-vouchers went to these Fantasia control briefs with suspender clips.

Book your Moscow Believes in Tours trip IMMEDIATELY ensure a spot this hot clubbing season. Our calendar is rapidly filling with tourists who are leaving boring 9-to-5 behind and saying DA! to life.

Next up this month Michael, a San Francisco investment banker who takes leisure very seriously. Having read MDBIT religiously since its inception, he’s finally taking the plunge. The only thing he’s worried about is whether he’ll be able to maintain his carefully cultivated tan in gray Moscow. The answer is YES. Because Michael told us in advance, we were able to book him appointments at Mesto Pod Solntsem, a VIP solarium in central Moscow.

We’ve already directed his prepaid e-vouchers towards this flattering halter neck swimsuit.

Michael is living courageously. ARE YOU?

UPDATE: SPECIAL WINTER HOLIDAYS DISCOUNT. I WILL NOW BE LEADING TOURS FOR RAIN BOOTS, WHICH AREN'T THAT EXPENSIVE. I WILL ALSO ACCEPT THEM AS FAN GIFTS. ANY OF THESE FROM CHOOKA WILL DO ALTHOUGH THE ONES BELOW ARE PRETTY COOL. I AM SIZE 39.

Field of Dreams

You remember Kolomeskoe from Afisha Picnic (You remember it all very clearly because you were wet and sober). On the expansive grounds of this historical park, Russia's No. 2 investment bank Troika Dialog managed to do what a bunch of lazy hipsters could not: throw a fucking party.


To be fair, Troika Dialog had more funds to play with. A long time ago, CEO Ruben Vardanyan promised that if the company's worth exceeded $1 billion, he would give away $10 million in bonuses to everyone from top executives to the cleaning ladies. Everyone was real thrilled about that. What they didn't know was that Crazypants McGee also planned to parachute into his own killer party if they hit the mark.

Well, they did, and he did.


On the last Saturday of September, Kolomenskoe was transformed into Troika Dialog's "Gorod Mechty" (City of Dreams). Life at an investment bank sucks — you work like a dog, do a lot of stimulants and then blow your entire 75K bonus on a stupid green watch. Some people think you've become a sociopath. But it all becomes worth it when you get to go to a company party and send your friends text messages that say, "Holy fucking shit Prince is on fucking stage."

Prince, the world's most erotic diminutive pop star, at a Moscow corporate party. You'll have to visualize that yourself though, because the only photos from the event to be found in the Internet ether are promo shots of "human decorations," and the above party snaps from what looks to be an arty secretary. Russian business lacks transparency?

SCRATCH THAT. A MDBIT reader who wishes to remain anonymous just sent in this hazy cellphone pic of what appears to be Prince in some sort of concert venue. Rock-solid evidence, My work here is done.


Photos:elite.ru, youha.livejournal.com, that one guy

Mo' for Your Money

Generally I don't like to pollute Moscow's premier amateur nightlife anthropology blog with business plugs, but in this case I'm bound by inguinal duty, having known Lochamer ever since 1996 when we were colleagues at Sibneftgazpromsoyuzcorporation's Vienna branch office, then later as bandmates in mid-2001 Moscow boobcore outfit I Hate Your Endomorphic Girlfriend. Back then she had a lez-mullet, and I was still going around as DJ Lazy V.

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